How do we focus on the light?

Well well well....

I started meditating a little bit recently. I feel great when I do it more often, but it seems to become a non-priority very often. I really should make more time for it, it focuses me more and then for the rest of the day my time is spent more wisely, awake, and productively... so in all actuality, it does not take time, but gives it instead. The more focused and present you are in your moment the more you can get done swiftly. Plus it seems to help me balance a bit.

Well I went to a drum circle last full moon weekend on the beach... danced a lot and had a great time. Well at one point I decided to meditate in the middle of the circle, and I went quite deep.. actually deeper than I have been before. I saw some things that are happening in my life energetically, and eventually after trying things myself to fix these scenarios in my vision, I asked to be shown how to change them... well I was shown, however I am having a hard time putting that vision into action.

This is all very vague I realize that, but until I can talk freely about this... without it comming back into me... I do not want to fan the fire so to speak. Lets just say I have a black cloud trying to surround me, and I need to focus on the light instead. So my vision has shown me...

But how do we focus on the light above when blackness surrounds us where we are? Well today I got an email... it is kind of a daily inspiration email and today it said, do not focus on what you can not do, focus on what you can do. I take that as the universe telling me how to put this vision into action, in a few aspects of my life right now. I have everything I need to create a beautiful life, but some things need to be straigtened out and I keep focusing on what is wrong... not that I do not need to be mindfull of it, but I need to not give it anymore energy than it already has.

The situations in my life keeping me from have as good a life as I could are being dealt with... and today I took action on what I could do, and it seems things are moving along... I am most likely in the period of the darkest before the dawn... So hopefully I can move aside and let the dawn come.

New Line!!!!!!

Soooooo I have been in the planning phases of this line for a while now and now I have my supplies, ideas, and experience with making them... so now my etched copper and brass is hitting my supply shop!!!

These are the first of the pendants all in copper... they are hand stamped, etched, and oxidized. I think they are so pretty... the texture of them and of course I love anything nature inspired!

I have ideas for a lot more stuff, so as much as I am really slammed with back orders right now, I think I am gonna work Monday through Friday on those and the weekends work on new product for a while. I am THE ONLY supply shop on etsy with etched pendants right now, so I hope to really corner a nice market with these... they just need to get seen enough for my regular buyers to know they are in my shop now. And I need more than the 4 listings I put up yesterday. :D

Get a "REAL" job like the rest of us!!!!

So the title says it all I think. This is something my ex said to me yesterday, or yelled at me rather. Now lets look at this statement... because I think there is a LOT said in that short phrase!

First of all I HAVE a real job... to me anything that brings in money is "real", right? So by those parameters, every job is real. Even the ones people say are not real, or that maybe no one wants people doing. Now, I am not doing a job that no one wants done... obviously there IS a demand or I would not have been able to meet my bills the last 7 months as a single mom, and although things have been hard, I am still floating, which might be more than I could say if I were working a "real job" as he put it.

I own a business. That is real. I make jewelry components as well as jewelry, and there is a demand for both of these things. The jewelry findings I make, drive people to be creative, and make something to sell, for themselves, to give as a gift, etc... these things are all positive things. So I think the energy behind my business is a great one for my supply shop. As far as the jewelry, it is something I am driven to do, it is not something I just 'want' to make, but something I must make. It is a compulsion, albeit a good one. I make pieces sometimes I think, who out there will pay this for this piece? And then someone connects with the piece that has the money for it, and it sells. When I see this with some of my more unusual pieces, or more labor intensive, it is a wonderful sight to see the person connect with the piece, like magic!

Now on the other hand if I were to go out a get what he decides is a "real job", I would not have the energy, or funds to do what I do now. And why should I back peddle anyway? For his comfort? I spent years working "real jobs" and I never lasted at a one of them for more than a few months, because I hated them all. I no longer just exist for next weekend when I can do what I really want to... the weekends to me are just another day, because I can be me all the time, even in my livelihood now. Rather than bashing me for working doing what I want, even if it means a little sacrifice money wise for some time, it is still better than being miserable, just waiting for next weekend, or the end of the day, so you can get one more day closed to the weekend when you don't have to "work", so you can do the things you really want to... he should be asking himself how do I get to that point in life, where I can be happy at work. Yes I said it HAPPY AT WORK!!!! Now I am not saying that I am happy every minute of every day at my "work", but most of the time I enjoy what I make, and I think it shows in the work. I find myself working at odd hours, not because I need to, but because I want to. That says a lot about what I do.

I used to wait tables, and I was good at it, I even made pretty good money when I applied myself, if it were there to make, but then something happened... I remember some time ago, when it hit me, that I would never really be happy until I was doing something I love to make money. I knew nothing would make me happy, other than being an artist... once that hit me, and really sunk in, every day at my job was a huge chore. I felt like I was dragging the world behind me everywhere! Now I still have my days when I get down, or have less energy than I'd like to... but that dragging the world behind me feeling is gone... and no my bills did not go down, they went up, a lot!!! My workload... also went up a LOT... but I have found a happy medium, that I hit most days. And in looking back, life is better now... a lot better!!!!

Giving up, to gain

I have been reading more lately, it seems my book obsession has paid off a lot lately. I have been collecting books of interest for years, but during the years of my past relationship I hardly ever made time for reading, yet still I was compelled to buy these books. Well now I have been going through my bookshelf and reading some of them. I am not into anything fiction, mostly information that I feel I can use and gain something from. One such book I am reading right now called, "Do what you love, the money will follow" is giving me some new perspectives on some things, old ideas if you will.

I have a procrastination problem, it is nothing new to me, I already knew that. BUT there are things I do not procrastinate on, things that time seems to slip away on, still even getting to those can seem a challenge sometimes. Not because I do not have time, but because I just don't prioritize and make that a priority. The book talks about the big R... resistance, and how procrastination is resistance. I get this, what I think is that sometimes I find myself talking on the phone when I could be working in my studio. Or cleaning, eating or something... anything other than what I am supposed to be doing. This does sometimes work to my advantage because the thing I use to procrastinate might be practicing my music, writing a song, or something that creates something I needed/wanted to create. However it is still the big R! I was programmed at a young age to think I was a failure, by making myself fail in small ways, I prove that this is correct... my resistance keeps me from being the best I can be each day... however when I have no resistance or consciously ignore it, I have success.

People look at me and say I wish I could stay home and just make stuff, that would be so great!!! What they mean by that is that they think it would be "easy"... I know I used to, but it is not.. I have that R word... even for stuff I love, when you "have to" do it, it becomes something you avoid. However I am mindful of it sometimes, and will be more so, now that I am on the "lookout" for it... and that is progress.

There are no successful people by accident, and I would consider myself successful to a degree anyway. This was not just because... I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am now... skipping parties to make jewelry, spending money on tools and supplies instead of other things I want. Working weekends when my kid is at his dad's house instead of going out and hanging somewhere meeting people. This is me not giving in to my resistance by choice, those who are not willing to give anything up, will not be as successful.

I have realized that my "R" is also what kept me in this past relationship for so long... resistance to accept that the truth is what it is, not always what you wish it was... he was not good for me, the fact that we had a kid was no matter... that was aside from the fact of what was happening. I resisted to leave, thinking that I was staying for my child's best interest, or for stability... both of those were just things I thought I saw, they were not real. In the end the kid told me he wanted me to leave his dad, and the "security" was an illusion... I am not any less stable without him, than I was with him. If anything I am more stable, any financial instability is ONLY because my business is still in it's growing phase, so I am making less than I will in the future. All the drama, the energy wasted on a sour relationship, was energy and time I could have been spending with my kid, and on myself and my growth as I am now. My resistance was to "give up" anything really. I can say that towards the end I started to give up items around the house that I was no longer using, or no longer needed, and in retrospect maybe I was subconsciously teaching myself that it was okay to give things up.

Now I am much happier, with more energy, and can live more authentically. Good things are coming into my life, and this time I am realizing that I deserve these things. The only reason these things have room to come into my life now, is because I gave up so much (or what felt like a lot) to gain so much more.

Um WOW!

So yeah I am not a regular of a blogger as I'd like to be... but anyway. I had an audition last night for drums... it went great, so I think I found my band for that...plus the guy wants me to do some singing, guitar and maybe even some bass if needed! That makes me happy, cause I need to get my hands on a bass for the project I REALLY wanna do, and feel I am about ready to do very soon... "Playing With Myself". This guy I met (the band leader I assume) was really cool, plays and sings well, has a good song list, and we seem to hit it off right away. I was so nervous going there, because I had never met him before, but once I saw him I relaxed immediately, which is not normal for me, but is a good sign. SO anyway, I got drum parts to practice, a new line I am working on for jewelry, and supply orders to make... I am a busy, but happy girl! I think I slept about 6 hrs last night, and I feel great!!!! I have been sleeping a lot lately, which is the first sign for me that I am getting depressed... I think music is the thing I am missing in my life that makes me get down. That and running... hard to run in the summer, cause my kid can not run with me yet, and he has a broken arm, so no bike riding even for him right now... but soon he goes back to school and I will resume running again... not for races necesarily, but for me for sure!

Yeah, It's been a while!!!!

Well today I dropped my son off at his Dad's house for the 'weekend'... really just 'till tomorow night. I tried to get him to take our son last night, but he would not. Go figure! I got there and his new girlfriends car was there, but of course he met me outside, because he is scared for us to see each other for whatever reason. Maybe he told her I was a 300 lbs monster or something to get sympathy. LOL It bothered me for a nano second, but then I remembered all the crap I had to give up to be with him... everything that mattered to me other than my son. Totally not worth me time to think about... I got better things to spend my energy on. Like learning new songs, writing more music, getting into more shops with my jewelry, and taking care of my son.

On other news, I think I have two groups forming... one I know I have in the bagm just gotta get us all together to practice. I found a great bass player (Iplayed with him a couple of weeks ago) and he says he has the perfect drummer for me, and they already play together, so they should play well together. So we are forming a trio... finally, I get to have my dream band! I have been wanting a blues/rock trio for the loingest time, and now I think I am finally ready to do my own leads!!!!!! I can honestly say I have come a LONG way as far as that goes. SO now the missing piece of the pie, has been added... I was good at rythm guitar and vocals and songwriting before, but add to that doing lead pretty well... I think I am a more of a packaged deal now. I am excited to finally get out there and get it done! The last few years all I have been doing is fiddeling with leads and getting a handle on them, and I think I am ready to show the world what I have been working on.

So I gotta get to my bench and finish a few orders to go out this AM, and then I am off to St Armands Circle to see what I can get... I am going dressed, with my briefcase full of jewelry, and see what happens. Hopefully I have some new shops to sell to or in by the end of the day. This is a NEW DAY!!!!!!!

well then...

So this last few months have been all over the place emotionally, financially, and mentally. I can say with great surety, that my childhood had no semblance of normalcy... this is not new to me in any form, but without divulging too much here (you'll have to wait for my biography for that), I will say that new memories are surfacing as to events and how they actually happened in my life. This is bringing up some old issues for sure. Although I am in a better place to handle the barrage of emotions that I was few months back. The absence of constant anger, fighting, and being called horrific things has had a good effect on me overall... a few months ago this might have sent me into a tailspin that I would just shut down from, and stop functioning for a while. As it stands, these new memories and information made me sad for a day or two, but no falling apart here. I am thankful that this info is coming now and not before I had this amount of emotional strength.

On other news I am itching to start a new band... so I think that is coming sooner rather than later... I will be posting stuff on the bulletin board at the music store soon as well as wherever else. Not sure yet what kind of group I want to get together... I kinda want a blues trio, which means only needing a drummer and bass player... but that also means I will be doing all the lead guitar work, which I could do, but I'd want to practice a bit on that, and get comfortable with my band mates, because this would be the first time for me not having a "lead guitarist". I think I am ready for the challenge and really how many woman fronted blues trios that can rock have you seen??? Not many I am sure if ANY at all! I think it could be a very hot commodity so long as we are as good as I want us to be :) I am a bit of a perfectionist with my music (okay with anything creative) so I know if the music is up to my standards, the people will think we are great, cause we will be.

So I think overall, I am gaining myself back.. it is a long road back to myself, but I can see that I am on my way, looking back it's like a mile or two into my run, I am not done yet, but if I turn around I know I have covered some decent distance.

So yeah...

Well I guess it's pretty obvious by now that I am not a regular blogger... not that I don't want to, just it only occurs to me sometimes. Anyway, the last few weeks have been kinda hard from a few things going on. First of all, the anniversary of my daughters death (stillborn baby girl)... that was on Thursday of last week, and I could not get why all that week before I felt very stuck, and unmotivated to do much of anything but run. On Friday, I felt good, like I had become unstuck again, so I thought okay now we get the work done that got put off before, and get back on track. It's not as if I just put the work off, just all week every time I sat down to work all I wanted to do was cry, and I just could not sit for long at my bench, I could do a little here and there, but nothing like hours at a time, like normal.

Now as if that was not enough, on Sat I was supposed to be able to take DS to his dads for the day and night till Sunday morning. I was gonna do that show on Sat, but when I got there I found something that made me believe it was not a safe environment for my son(prescription drugs that were not his, but he was taking them), so I kept DS home with me, and skipped doing the show. Of course nasty calls from his father came all morning, then we finally actually talked, or more of him talking. He was drinking so I have no clue what to believe, how much was a lie, and how much was true, but one thing rang a bell in my head... sociopath. He claims he has been diagnosed, not sure about that(he does lie constantly, so knowing what to believe is hard), but that got me thinking... even more than my normal constant thought stream. So I looked it up, and after living with him for 7 years, I'd have to say yes... he is, and I was his number one victim for all that time. I never understood WHY I could not help him, that even on the rare occasions he would stop drinking for a period, he would still treat me in ways that no normal person could in good conscious. So I find out that it;s because basically he has no conscious like others... nothing saying, "don't do that, cause that hurts people." And on top of that even if he sees that he hurt you, he feels nothing about it. Oh he might apologize, but then in the same breath he will inform you why his behavior is YOUR fault. Like, "I am really sorry about the names I called you last night while I was drinking, it was not nice, and I am sorry... but if you hadn't pushed me, I would have been fine... I was happy drinking with my friends, we all get along just fine, you just need to learn to leave me alone when I am drunk. " Where as my version is more like, "You came home way after the bar closed with no real explanation to where you have been the last two hours after the bar closed, and you were making all sorts of noise(he always wanted the house to sound like a party at this point, with loud music and such). I was TRYING to get you to go to bed, and be quiet, so that me and your son can sleep..." Sometimes it was that mild, other times it would end with me either having to the the cops to come get me and my son out of the house, cause he was in a drunken rage and would not let me have the car keys, or if I had the keys it being me grabbing my son and driving out of there as fast as I can and going somewhere and parking to TRY and get some rest with my son.

So this brings me to why did I end up with him??? Well going back to childhood, my stepfather and probably mother as well were both sociopaths... my step father especially, he is the worst of the worst kind, probably just a tiny step from serial killer, if even that far really. So one might think that growing up with these kind of people I should know the signs and run far and fast... well you might think so, but unfortunately in the case of my ex, he played a great face, like he was everything I wanted, till I was head over heels in love with him, and then the switch turned slowly at first, but then the sickness progressed, until I forgot what it was like to NOT be called names everyday, to be myself, that I had put away for his comfort, and forgotten over time. He always said his problems were because of me, if I had just showed him more love, affection, acceptance of his drinking, cleaner house, made more money, lost weight... oh geez the more I think about it, the more I realize, nothing I could have done would ever have been enough to do ANY help. I thought, because he told me, that he didn't want to turn into his parents, that he wanted to be a better man, but he is like them, he is not better nor does he think he even needs to change. In his mind loosing me and his son are the best thing that ever happened to him. And he is convinced that he left me, because he was not happy, not that I asked him to leave, because of the way he treated me.

So yeah..... I guess this at least helps me in the letting go process... you would think it would be easy to let go of a man like this, but with having to interact with him due to our having a kid together, makes it hard. Not letting go of him, but letting go of the idea that MAYBE one day he will wake up and realize what he lost and try and fix himself, but now I can give up hope for that. things he told me in our conversation made me realize, he is sick, he knows that, but he really doesn't care to change... he almost seemed proud of himself because he is different from most people, and I suppose the label he has put on himself now, he thinks makes him cool. I think it makes him not someone I can trust at all... probably ever.

Some thoughts on where I have been

So lately I have been thinking about how I came to jewelry in the first place, and why choose that over something else. I certainly had many other talents I could have turned into a full time job, career, what have you. So why jewelry and not something else???

Here are my thoughts on it. I have always had art and music around me, starting with my early childhood. Both of those were kind of a natural progression having a mother that did both. Plus I seemed to be able to learn those things as if they were natural to me. And I started learning both very young. By the time I was 5... I was already a student of music learning how to play songs on a guitar. And I always drew, ever since I could remember. Actually to be honest, I don't even remember learning my first chords on the guitar. So it seems these would be a natural path for my life, I loved them both, was good at both in whatever I applied myself to either instrument or medium. So why jewelry then????

Well first let me tell you how I got started making jewelry. I was pregnant with my son, and the smell from paint was not good, my guitar was not really as easy to play with my growing belly... there is a reaching around problem there. So one day I decided to go into a bead shop, and I got a few things that day, and started playing with my new things. In no time flat I knew, this was it, this is what I wanna do! I told my then boyfriend, he thought I was crazy. But I knew. I think even though I have made money as a musician, and had a lot of fun doing it, it was something I did because it was taught to me. This is something I came to on my own, not because my mother was this same thing. Plus there are a lot of things about jewelry that I love...

When I was a little girl I used to dream about having gorgeous jewelry(really what little girls doesn't dream of having fabulous jewelry?), but never having and money I didn't have any. Of course now I have a collection of fabulous jewelry! So I made that little girl dream come true, and I think that has a lot to do with my happiness as a jewelry artist. My inner child can come out and play, and not only does that make me happy for the time being, but being that my inner child has been beaten down for so long, this is like giving her new life. Letting her be a girl, and her feeling loved for it(something new and much needed for her). So I guess you could say it is a healing job for me in a lot of ways as well. I am grateful that I have something I love, that is healthy for me, and that pays the bills, and being able to work form a home studio gives me a lot more time with my son.

I also think about the fact that I started less than 7 years ago with a few crappy beads, and no sales to what I have today... a studio stocked, a mind full of ideas and abilities, and money coming in enough to meet my needs. If you would have shown me some of my current pieces then and said, "You will be making this in 7 years." I would have laughed, and said boy wouldn't that be great, but never would I have believed it! I am excited to see where I go in the next 5 years... 10 years, 15 years.... etc. I know that jewelry, and metalsmithing in general give me a ton of room to grow and learn, so I know this will be a lifelong journey of learning, doing, and learning some more. Something I look forward to very much!

Neglected blog....

Um yeah so my blog is severely neglected yet again!!!

Part of it was getting adjusted to the new living arrangements, part of it catching up on things that have needed catching up on for a while now. I think I will be able to get a better schedule in place now though... and hopefully squeeze some blogging time in each week at least! More? Maybe.

My broken toe has finally healed I think, although during my run this morning my feet were numb, and tit started to throb a little, but that could have been the numb feet thing.

I am going to one store at least this week with some jewelry and see what they say. Hopefully I get a consignment deal or whatever.

I am also about to submit my first tutorial to jewelrylessons.com, just gotta convert it to a pdf now, it is in her format, I did that last night. I gotta make more, like soon!!! the more I pump out of those I think could be good... esp with Eni's site, which is heavy in traffic!

I am starting to feel like I am getting my power back a little. One of my close friends commented that to me the otehr day. I feel rather good today, so I am going to get another good days work done in my studio... I have so many ideas, I need to get out, as well as orders that need to be filled, so I think this whole week I will be working as much as I have time and energy for, whatever that ends up being. I feel like things are starting to move again, I have felt very static lately. So this is good feeling things get unstuck. I also plan to go to yoga on the beach this week, at least once.

Well, I am progressing fairly fast in my post heartbreak I suppose, but I absolutely need to learn how not to let him get under my skin.

I am going for a run today, so I am reconnecting with myself again. This is good. But I drove my son to the busstop and was gonna drive somewhere and run, but when I got there, my MP3 battery was dead, so I came home to charge it... I am running for fun, and my music is a MAJOR part of that. This morning I just needed it, not that I can't run without music, but I prefer not to... it helps me so much while running.

Well I am keeping it brief today... I want to run before it starts warming up too much. :)

Roller Coaster

Okay I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship that just ended as well as all the time we were together and how much I lost myself being with this man. As it stands right now, I don't want to get back together, but it does suck, and hurt a LOT.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster ride... sometimes I am strong and happy about this, other times I can not stop crying. Nights are harder I think, because I am used to him being around then.. at least during the week when he's not going out to bars.

I started writing a new song yesterday, something I have not done in a LONG time. I need to get my hands on some recording gear for me to play with... I am wasting my talent by not playing. I didn't actually quit playing consciously even... it was just kind of a systematic thing of playing less and less, and then I just wasn't playing anymore. I got tired of having a fight before every gig, and getting crap about practice days, plus the band drama on top of my home drama, some drama needed to go, and I guess I was just not ready to let go of my relationship yet. Well as much as it hurts now, I am totally ready. My house is half redone after he left.... I haven't had the time and desire at the same time to do the rest, but I am looking around thinking, I need to. I have art that he didn't want on the walls, so here it sits in a pile, now it is time to put it on the walls... this is MY house, and I want art and music stuff all over... that reflects my interests and passion.

I found a new yoga meetup on the beach that meets three times a week, so I am gonna start going there as time permits. The teacher has 36 year of teaching Exp.... so as long as I have been alive, pretty much! And I have never practiced with a teacher, something I know would be good for me. It will be a great supliment to my running... I ran once this week, not much but a start. Next week I will run more, and go to yoga at least once.

Right now I gotta make supply orders, get them mailed and work on my house. I have not made a single new piece of jewlery this week, but I am actually okay with that for now. I will make somethign at the show tomorow and take pics so I can do another tutorial. Sunday I will start sumitting my tutorials to jewelrylearning.com. I have been aproved for teather status over therre... so might as well startt getting the process going! This willo supliment my summer income, cause the market will not be going through summer.

Just so you know...

These posts about my relationship will disapear soon... for now I need a place to vent, and be able to go back and remind myself why I am doing this, until he is gone and I am feeling stronger.

Well I can't think of a title today, no matter. The man-thing informed me today that he will be going out drinking on Friday night... as if I could not guess that already... it's an every Friday tradition for him... Go to bar, get drink, repeat till they kick you out... DUH! I am getting my ducks in line so to speak. Talking to outside help, my friends, the ones I had before him that I lost, but am getting back now. this time I am not telling them I am all happy and okay... business wise, yes, but I am not gonna sugar coat my relationship anymore, the only one I m protecting is him. No more. My kid had his b-day on Sunday... he turned 6. He says he wants it to be me, him and a new daddy... that really opens my eyes... he is not happy either.

All I can do this week is work a lot, I have fallen behind on my supply orders... AGAIN... always because I am spending the energy I should be using to work, on fighting with him. He is not gonna take this away from me like he has so much else. He will be gone soon. He says, "we need to have a talk after I get home from work." All I can think is I hope it is you telling me you are leaving... I just hope he doesn't leave without helping me get rent paid first, or I will be looking for a new home as well... I don't have a month's rent saved yet... I am working on it, but I only really got dedicated to getting him out in the last week or so... unfortunately, I keep letting myself get to this point, and then feel like I need him to help pay bills... this time I just want him to go, whatever that means for me... I will figure it out after he is gone and I can clear my head a bit. WE have separated before, but always go back thinking it is the drinking... if only he stopped drinking life would be good... not true, he is who he is... and that is a mean and angry person who feels the world owes him.

Heavy realizations...

So for the past 7 years I have been in a relationship with a man who drinks... sometimes more, sometimes less, but always the drink, at least on weekends. This has torn our family apart, caused many problems and such. He still will not stop, or even admit it is a problem. Well as if that is not enough, he is very verbally abusive, but never in front of anyone other than our son and I. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

I have come to accept that this is an abusive relationship, and the only thing I think is stable (financial).. is absolutely not! So very soon I will be asking him to move out (yet again)... but this time I have friends who know the real situation. For years I have been making excuses for him, covering up what he does, and putting up with a lot that I DO NOT deserve in general. I am not telling him until he gets his taxes back, he can move with that, and I need to protect myself, so having a plan, but not letting him know is key. This is very hard for me, as it is natural for me to be truthful, I just have to remember why this is okay right now.

My next thing is I am going to start looking for a counselor that deals with this, so I can talk to a professional. He has screwed my view of myself, and everything around me so much that I find myself questioning everything... esp my own sanity in this situation. I question weather I have the right to be angry when he stays out until the bar closes once AGAIN, comes home drunk and wanting to fight. I question weather I am even right to want him to stop. I was talking to an old friend last night, and asked him if I was always so weepy... he said he had only ever seen me cry once, and that was while talking about my childhood abuse (understandable for sure), and we lived together as roommates for about a year, so he knows me rather well,. or at least he knows who I used to be, who I lost in this relationship.

That is about all I can stand for now... this is so huge, and I have a artists market I need to get ready for... I am hoping for a lot of sales so I can start stashing money for when the time comes. And it will come, and very soon.

So...

So I actually finally started on my first tutorial. It is a lot of work making one of these things, but at least it is only once, then it is send file and collect money.. not a hard job at all from there. The tutorial was inspired by my iolite piece I just finished, and as soon as that was done, I knew this HAD to become a tutorial. I already have some interested people to buy it, so it is already going to start making me money! :)

So here is the iolite piece that was the original inspiration for this tutorial...

It is being held for a friend who is buying it. It didn't even leave my studio before finding it's future home! I am just in love with these faceted iolites, so I am thinking by the next gem show, I might just have to buy another strand!

So to keep cost down a bit I decided to do the tutorial piece in copper, with a few sterling beads... easily acquired beads were used for this piece, so it is easily accessible for most anyone. I am also trying to explain as basically as possible, so it can be used by beginners as well. So here is the default pic I did up for it.

So that is the update for now... I don't have time to talk about the new president, (gotta get my kid off to school) but I will soon.

Ha ha ha

Hey I just found the button for adding images... so, I can start actually showing things I am talking about... YAY!

Ideas comming to fruition

Well this seems to be a time of ideas coming to fruition for me. I have decided to start doing my tutorials this week, something I have been talking and thinking about for a while now. I started my first beach stone line piece last night (an idea I have had for a while and yeah once I finish it, it's gonna be gorgeous!). I purchased a PMC starter kit (waiting for that to get to me in the mail) another thing I have been talking about doing to take my jewelry to the next level again. So I see lots of new ideas coming to fruition now. Not sure if it has to do with the retrograde, I am not even sure I remember which planet is in retrograde right now, but I am feeling good about doing all these things now, and it seems I have a renewed energy for them as well.

Now I have to learn now to get a mirror finish on silver, for the piece I just started... ;) yeah I learn as I go... now you know how I have learned all I know... I start a piece and realize I gotta learn a new skill to finish it, so I figure out how to do it, and then do it... with whatever works for me. Sometimes I read about it online, or try and find videos, or sometimes, just with my own reasoning of how it seems it should be done (I do a LOT of that). I feel very familiar with metal, as if I have done this before and I am remembering more than learning. I esp seem to feel like I remember hammering and annealing... those came to me a if I had been doing them a lifetime already. You know I have remembered some funny things about the actual date I got my torch and supplies, and how I felt this overwhelming need to get these things, that day. It was on Yule... I just thought that my natural rhythm being so in tune is not totally a coincidence.

Next thing to tackle... how to use my new saw, I am scared to get out... ha ha ha! So far other measures have done the job, but I am getting to where I need to learn to use it to make some of the things I want to make. So brass and copper sheet and saw here I come... soon. (not gonna try and learn on silver, it cost too much for practice and learning!

Till next time!

Am I a jeweler?

Well I was way too tired yesterday to blog. The morning was filled with nerves and trying to get things done last minute. The day went as well as I had hoped and better. I sold a few things, enough to cover my booth for the day, plus my booth for the 31st, since that one is prepaid and first come first serve. The association that sponsors us is having a big chilly cook off that day so we expect to be extra busy that day. I hope that's correct. I also bought a piece of art from one of the other vendors... a green man type 3-d painting. The other vendors were great with one exception, maybe two, but both of those are not coming back next week, so no biggie. It seems like a community of artists growing rather than just a bunch of competitors, so that is a much more fitting atmoshpere for me. And I seriously lucked out getting in there, because it is now closed to more jewelry artists. I was the last one added... she only added me because she said my stuff was "Oh shit!" but in a good way. She told me I would not be next to her, but it turned out that was the place I could fit... ha ha ha, she is entertaining anyway, so I got all day entertainment!

I don't really see us as that much of competitors, because she does bead stringing, and I do metalwork and wire wrapping... not much of an overlap to me, there is a major difference in our product.

I also met a guy who works for a local jeweler... he had a booth there, but was talking metalwork with me for a bit, he said I am a jeweler. I think I am on my way, but I am hesitant to call myself a jeweler yet, because to me that means serious jewelry. Not that mine is not serious, but I have still major pieces of the metalwork puzzle to learn. Like finish polishing, and sawing... yeah yeah I know... I have gotten by for a while without that knowledge and made some really coo pieces, but learning these last couple of things and them practicing all of it, will make me feel I am a real jeweler. However I do want to clarify one thing... I have no desire to make traditional jewelry, like that stuff you might find at your local mall jeweler... I want to make art jewelry, using and learning the classic jewelers techniques. I am an artist above all.

All of this got me thinking... (plus the guy singing that reminded me of my college vocal professor)... where I was 20 years ago. Well I was in high school then, but 19 years ago I was in college, so it's pretty close, and that was a life changing experiene for me in a lot of ways. I had no idea I would ever make jewelry, I was singing and playing drums and percussion in college. I had plans to become a music teacher, and then got pregnant. Well as I gave that baby up for adoption, I decided that I wanted to be an artist for life. It took me a long while before I made that happen... some doetours in life I took so I could make money... getting off my true path, and having to figure out who I was over and over, and fiunally come to accept that I am an artist... that is what I was born to do. I can not enjoy life not being an artist knowing this. So once I really believed that I am an artist and this is what I should be doing with my life... each day got harder, knowing I was walking the wrong path. I would have times where things would seem good and smooth, but that lurking feeling of, I am not doing what I was meant to, would always pop up and bite me in the ass.

Now I can say that getting to where I am now, making all my money from my art, and not going to a dayjob, just to pay for things and bills. I am broke a lot, but mostly I am happy. Is it a bed of roses? No, there are days I don't want to make things, there are days I can't stop making things, and there are days in between. But I am proud of what I make, when I look at the things I make, it makes me happy. They are quality and well made, and even my supplies are doing a good thing in the world. They are promoting creativity in others, making the world a more beautiful place with more imagination and creative energy. I say they make the world a more beautiful place, because poeple make beautiful things, made with love out of them, so that adds to that, rather than just more manufactured items, that no one really cares about one the trend has passed.

So all of this makes me thankfull of what I am doing, even if some days are not all fun. And it makes me wonder where I will be in 5 or 10 years. if you had asked me 5-10 years ago if I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have thought, that is a nice thought, but I kinda doubt you're right. So I can pretty much bet that in the next 5-10 years, I will grow by more leaps and bounds as I have in the past. And maybe one day I will believe I am truely a jeweler.

I am hopelessly trying to get ready for tomorow, and it seems I have way more to do than time to do it in. I did just HAVE to go to the gem show today, and there were some stones I want, so I'll be going back on sunday... such is life huh?

Well that's about all I have time to write for now... hopefully my next post is about how great the show went!

New stuff...

Well I got my application in for the artists market, and am in. I am starting this Saturday... nothing like rushing! It's okay, because I plan to be there weekly for a while, so my display will develop over time.

And well since my etsy team JET (jewelry on etsy team) is putting in a FMG order soon... I checking into what they got over there I need... well I am in need of a few round faceted stones, but what I would LOVE to get into is PMC. I may have mentioned this before. Anyway they have a kit that is pretty affordable for me with the deep discount, and it has everything I need to get started, including 20 grams of clay. This I thin is going to be an investment in my supply business at least, because i can make charms and sell them and that will give me time working with the material, and exp. so I can do better jewelry. Since PMC turns into fine silver when fired, it can then be soldered to sterling or fine silver, and the possibilities of what I can do with metal will expand exponentially. So I am excited about this. I might just pass the gem show up this weekend so I can afford this purchase while they are doing their order. The kit comes with a DVD and everything else needed as far as tools, a firing board, files, and even a ring mandrel... not sure if that is marked with sizes or not, I guess I will have to learn to calculate the shrinkage of the clay when firing to do custom rings, otherwise they turn out whatever size they turn out. No problem, I already know how I can work around not having this knowledge until I learn it.

so anyway....

Well things are happening so fast, I am just trying to hang on for the ride so to speak. I went to the arts show I was looking to do, and was told be a couple of vendors not to waste my money on this promoters shows, since they do not draw a crowd, and paying $175 for a space, I better know I am gonna make money on it, that's a lot for me to lose! Well not all was lost in this trip, I learned why it is good to go to the show before committing your money, unless it;s a small amount you can afford to lose. Also one of the vendors told me about an artists market locally that just started and goes on every Saturday, through season, and it is literally less that a mile from my house! It's on one of my regular running routes, which I was kinda surprised I had never accidentally ran past it, while out for a sat run... although my runs are usually done way before 10am... so that could be why. The lady running it told me that it is not really busy YET, but they are promoting all over town, and I think getting in while it's early can pay off if it takes off well. She does not ask for a commitment, so if I need a week off, I can take it, but she also said let her know by Friday if I am gonna be there this Sat... so I am gonna go for it, no time better to start than now! Which means i got a lot of work to get done this week with supply orders and getting ready for this show, but it is motivated work... so it is a good thing!

Also on other news... my supply shop sailed past 1,400 sales yesterday... in less than 11 months I think that is pretty darn great! Now I need to start getting my tutorials made and posted! Well that's my update for the day... no time for much more writing.

Happy new year +1

So new years eve was interesting. BF and I took our son out to downtown where they closed the streets off and it was one big party. We had fun for a while, but I left because the crowd approaching midnight was growing, and we were already packed like sardines in there. BF decided to stay, which was fine. My son being only 5, I was worried we would get separated, cause he is so small, and so I decided to head home. He got to ride his first carnival rides, that was great for him. He had fun!

Yesterday I went and got material for not only table cloths, but curtains as well... muslim for the curtains. Then I went to get a few new bench tools, cause the ones I use most are embarrassing, and I am gonna start doing tutorials, don't want people to have to see my falling off handle, or whatever... lets just say my round nose pliers are not pretty! So I got some new ones, and while I was there, I spotted a bead tote on clearance for 9.99, so I got the last two. They have 5 bead boxes in each, and a nylon tote to carry them and all the other stuff you might wanna bring... all for the price I would have paid for just the boxes, not too bad! Now I can give the old stacking tool box I WAS using to the BF, it is okay if I an driving my stuff somewhere, but if I wanna walk, it's not real practical, and I love to walk places, I should be able to walk to the park with my kid and play with beads while he plays on the playground. So I'd say it was a productive day. WE even stopped at my FAVORITE all you can eat place... it;s the biggest and best salad bar ever! They even make homemade soups and bread, and muffins... oh yeah, that place is heaven to me :)