Just so you know...

These posts about my relationship will disapear soon... for now I need a place to vent, and be able to go back and remind myself why I am doing this, until he is gone and I am feeling stronger.

Well I can't think of a title today, no matter. The man-thing informed me today that he will be going out drinking on Friday night... as if I could not guess that already... it's an every Friday tradition for him... Go to bar, get drink, repeat till they kick you out... DUH! I am getting my ducks in line so to speak. Talking to outside help, my friends, the ones I had before him that I lost, but am getting back now. this time I am not telling them I am all happy and okay... business wise, yes, but I am not gonna sugar coat my relationship anymore, the only one I m protecting is him. No more. My kid had his b-day on Sunday... he turned 6. He says he wants it to be me, him and a new daddy... that really opens my eyes... he is not happy either.

All I can do this week is work a lot, I have fallen behind on my supply orders... AGAIN... always because I am spending the energy I should be using to work, on fighting with him. He is not gonna take this away from me like he has so much else. He will be gone soon. He says, "we need to have a talk after I get home from work." All I can think is I hope it is you telling me you are leaving... I just hope he doesn't leave without helping me get rent paid first, or I will be looking for a new home as well... I don't have a month's rent saved yet... I am working on it, but I only really got dedicated to getting him out in the last week or so... unfortunately, I keep letting myself get to this point, and then feel like I need him to help pay bills... this time I just want him to go, whatever that means for me... I will figure it out after he is gone and I can clear my head a bit. WE have separated before, but always go back thinking it is the drinking... if only he stopped drinking life would be good... not true, he is who he is... and that is a mean and angry person who feels the world owes him.

Heavy realizations...

So for the past 7 years I have been in a relationship with a man who drinks... sometimes more, sometimes less, but always the drink, at least on weekends. This has torn our family apart, caused many problems and such. He still will not stop, or even admit it is a problem. Well as if that is not enough, he is very verbally abusive, but never in front of anyone other than our son and I. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

I have come to accept that this is an abusive relationship, and the only thing I think is stable (financial).. is absolutely not! So very soon I will be asking him to move out (yet again)... but this time I have friends who know the real situation. For years I have been making excuses for him, covering up what he does, and putting up with a lot that I DO NOT deserve in general. I am not telling him until he gets his taxes back, he can move with that, and I need to protect myself, so having a plan, but not letting him know is key. This is very hard for me, as it is natural for me to be truthful, I just have to remember why this is okay right now.

My next thing is I am going to start looking for a counselor that deals with this, so I can talk to a professional. He has screwed my view of myself, and everything around me so much that I find myself questioning everything... esp my own sanity in this situation. I question weather I have the right to be angry when he stays out until the bar closes once AGAIN, comes home drunk and wanting to fight. I question weather I am even right to want him to stop. I was talking to an old friend last night, and asked him if I was always so weepy... he said he had only ever seen me cry once, and that was while talking about my childhood abuse (understandable for sure), and we lived together as roommates for about a year, so he knows me rather well,. or at least he knows who I used to be, who I lost in this relationship.

That is about all I can stand for now... this is so huge, and I have a artists market I need to get ready for... I am hoping for a lot of sales so I can start stashing money for when the time comes. And it will come, and very soon.

So...

So I actually finally started on my first tutorial. It is a lot of work making one of these things, but at least it is only once, then it is send file and collect money.. not a hard job at all from there. The tutorial was inspired by my iolite piece I just finished, and as soon as that was done, I knew this HAD to become a tutorial. I already have some interested people to buy it, so it is already going to start making me money! :)

So here is the iolite piece that was the original inspiration for this tutorial...

It is being held for a friend who is buying it. It didn't even leave my studio before finding it's future home! I am just in love with these faceted iolites, so I am thinking by the next gem show, I might just have to buy another strand!

So to keep cost down a bit I decided to do the tutorial piece in copper, with a few sterling beads... easily acquired beads were used for this piece, so it is easily accessible for most anyone. I am also trying to explain as basically as possible, so it can be used by beginners as well. So here is the default pic I did up for it.

So that is the update for now... I don't have time to talk about the new president, (gotta get my kid off to school) but I will soon.

Ha ha ha

Hey I just found the button for adding images... so, I can start actually showing things I am talking about... YAY!

Ideas comming to fruition

Well this seems to be a time of ideas coming to fruition for me. I have decided to start doing my tutorials this week, something I have been talking and thinking about for a while now. I started my first beach stone line piece last night (an idea I have had for a while and yeah once I finish it, it's gonna be gorgeous!). I purchased a PMC starter kit (waiting for that to get to me in the mail) another thing I have been talking about doing to take my jewelry to the next level again. So I see lots of new ideas coming to fruition now. Not sure if it has to do with the retrograde, I am not even sure I remember which planet is in retrograde right now, but I am feeling good about doing all these things now, and it seems I have a renewed energy for them as well.

Now I have to learn now to get a mirror finish on silver, for the piece I just started... ;) yeah I learn as I go... now you know how I have learned all I know... I start a piece and realize I gotta learn a new skill to finish it, so I figure out how to do it, and then do it... with whatever works for me. Sometimes I read about it online, or try and find videos, or sometimes, just with my own reasoning of how it seems it should be done (I do a LOT of that). I feel very familiar with metal, as if I have done this before and I am remembering more than learning. I esp seem to feel like I remember hammering and annealing... those came to me a if I had been doing them a lifetime already. You know I have remembered some funny things about the actual date I got my torch and supplies, and how I felt this overwhelming need to get these things, that day. It was on Yule... I just thought that my natural rhythm being so in tune is not totally a coincidence.

Next thing to tackle... how to use my new saw, I am scared to get out... ha ha ha! So far other measures have done the job, but I am getting to where I need to learn to use it to make some of the things I want to make. So brass and copper sheet and saw here I come... soon. (not gonna try and learn on silver, it cost too much for practice and learning!

Till next time!

Am I a jeweler?

Well I was way too tired yesterday to blog. The morning was filled with nerves and trying to get things done last minute. The day went as well as I had hoped and better. I sold a few things, enough to cover my booth for the day, plus my booth for the 31st, since that one is prepaid and first come first serve. The association that sponsors us is having a big chilly cook off that day so we expect to be extra busy that day. I hope that's correct. I also bought a piece of art from one of the other vendors... a green man type 3-d painting. The other vendors were great with one exception, maybe two, but both of those are not coming back next week, so no biggie. It seems like a community of artists growing rather than just a bunch of competitors, so that is a much more fitting atmoshpere for me. And I seriously lucked out getting in there, because it is now closed to more jewelry artists. I was the last one added... she only added me because she said my stuff was "Oh shit!" but in a good way. She told me I would not be next to her, but it turned out that was the place I could fit... ha ha ha, she is entertaining anyway, so I got all day entertainment!

I don't really see us as that much of competitors, because she does bead stringing, and I do metalwork and wire wrapping... not much of an overlap to me, there is a major difference in our product.

I also met a guy who works for a local jeweler... he had a booth there, but was talking metalwork with me for a bit, he said I am a jeweler. I think I am on my way, but I am hesitant to call myself a jeweler yet, because to me that means serious jewelry. Not that mine is not serious, but I have still major pieces of the metalwork puzzle to learn. Like finish polishing, and sawing... yeah yeah I know... I have gotten by for a while without that knowledge and made some really coo pieces, but learning these last couple of things and them practicing all of it, will make me feel I am a real jeweler. However I do want to clarify one thing... I have no desire to make traditional jewelry, like that stuff you might find at your local mall jeweler... I want to make art jewelry, using and learning the classic jewelers techniques. I am an artist above all.

All of this got me thinking... (plus the guy singing that reminded me of my college vocal professor)... where I was 20 years ago. Well I was in high school then, but 19 years ago I was in college, so it's pretty close, and that was a life changing experiene for me in a lot of ways. I had no idea I would ever make jewelry, I was singing and playing drums and percussion in college. I had plans to become a music teacher, and then got pregnant. Well as I gave that baby up for adoption, I decided that I wanted to be an artist for life. It took me a long while before I made that happen... some doetours in life I took so I could make money... getting off my true path, and having to figure out who I was over and over, and fiunally come to accept that I am an artist... that is what I was born to do. I can not enjoy life not being an artist knowing this. So once I really believed that I am an artist and this is what I should be doing with my life... each day got harder, knowing I was walking the wrong path. I would have times where things would seem good and smooth, but that lurking feeling of, I am not doing what I was meant to, would always pop up and bite me in the ass.

Now I can say that getting to where I am now, making all my money from my art, and not going to a dayjob, just to pay for things and bills. I am broke a lot, but mostly I am happy. Is it a bed of roses? No, there are days I don't want to make things, there are days I can't stop making things, and there are days in between. But I am proud of what I make, when I look at the things I make, it makes me happy. They are quality and well made, and even my supplies are doing a good thing in the world. They are promoting creativity in others, making the world a more beautiful place with more imagination and creative energy. I say they make the world a more beautiful place, because poeple make beautiful things, made with love out of them, so that adds to that, rather than just more manufactured items, that no one really cares about one the trend has passed.

So all of this makes me thankfull of what I am doing, even if some days are not all fun. And it makes me wonder where I will be in 5 or 10 years. if you had asked me 5-10 years ago if I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have thought, that is a nice thought, but I kinda doubt you're right. So I can pretty much bet that in the next 5-10 years, I will grow by more leaps and bounds as I have in the past. And maybe one day I will believe I am truely a jeweler.

I am hopelessly trying to get ready for tomorow, and it seems I have way more to do than time to do it in. I did just HAVE to go to the gem show today, and there were some stones I want, so I'll be going back on sunday... such is life huh?

Well that's about all I have time to write for now... hopefully my next post is about how great the show went!

New stuff...

Well I got my application in for the artists market, and am in. I am starting this Saturday... nothing like rushing! It's okay, because I plan to be there weekly for a while, so my display will develop over time.

And well since my etsy team JET (jewelry on etsy team) is putting in a FMG order soon... I checking into what they got over there I need... well I am in need of a few round faceted stones, but what I would LOVE to get into is PMC. I may have mentioned this before. Anyway they have a kit that is pretty affordable for me with the deep discount, and it has everything I need to get started, including 20 grams of clay. This I thin is going to be an investment in my supply business at least, because i can make charms and sell them and that will give me time working with the material, and exp. so I can do better jewelry. Since PMC turns into fine silver when fired, it can then be soldered to sterling or fine silver, and the possibilities of what I can do with metal will expand exponentially. So I am excited about this. I might just pass the gem show up this weekend so I can afford this purchase while they are doing their order. The kit comes with a DVD and everything else needed as far as tools, a firing board, files, and even a ring mandrel... not sure if that is marked with sizes or not, I guess I will have to learn to calculate the shrinkage of the clay when firing to do custom rings, otherwise they turn out whatever size they turn out. No problem, I already know how I can work around not having this knowledge until I learn it.

so anyway....

Well things are happening so fast, I am just trying to hang on for the ride so to speak. I went to the arts show I was looking to do, and was told be a couple of vendors not to waste my money on this promoters shows, since they do not draw a crowd, and paying $175 for a space, I better know I am gonna make money on it, that's a lot for me to lose! Well not all was lost in this trip, I learned why it is good to go to the show before committing your money, unless it;s a small amount you can afford to lose. Also one of the vendors told me about an artists market locally that just started and goes on every Saturday, through season, and it is literally less that a mile from my house! It's on one of my regular running routes, which I was kinda surprised I had never accidentally ran past it, while out for a sat run... although my runs are usually done way before 10am... so that could be why. The lady running it told me that it is not really busy YET, but they are promoting all over town, and I think getting in while it's early can pay off if it takes off well. She does not ask for a commitment, so if I need a week off, I can take it, but she also said let her know by Friday if I am gonna be there this Sat... so I am gonna go for it, no time better to start than now! Which means i got a lot of work to get done this week with supply orders and getting ready for this show, but it is motivated work... so it is a good thing!

Also on other news... my supply shop sailed past 1,400 sales yesterday... in less than 11 months I think that is pretty darn great! Now I need to start getting my tutorials made and posted! Well that's my update for the day... no time for much more writing.

Happy new year +1

So new years eve was interesting. BF and I took our son out to downtown where they closed the streets off and it was one big party. We had fun for a while, but I left because the crowd approaching midnight was growing, and we were already packed like sardines in there. BF decided to stay, which was fine. My son being only 5, I was worried we would get separated, cause he is so small, and so I decided to head home. He got to ride his first carnival rides, that was great for him. He had fun!

Yesterday I went and got material for not only table cloths, but curtains as well... muslim for the curtains. Then I went to get a few new bench tools, cause the ones I use most are embarrassing, and I am gonna start doing tutorials, don't want people to have to see my falling off handle, or whatever... lets just say my round nose pliers are not pretty! So I got some new ones, and while I was there, I spotted a bead tote on clearance for 9.99, so I got the last two. They have 5 bead boxes in each, and a nylon tote to carry them and all the other stuff you might wanna bring... all for the price I would have paid for just the boxes, not too bad! Now I can give the old stacking tool box I WAS using to the BF, it is okay if I an driving my stuff somewhere, but if I wanna walk, it's not real practical, and I love to walk places, I should be able to walk to the park with my kid and play with beads while he plays on the playground. So I'd say it was a productive day. WE even stopped at my FAVORITE all you can eat place... it;s the biggest and best salad bar ever! They even make homemade soups and bread, and muffins... oh yeah, that place is heaven to me :)