Giving up, to gain

I have been reading more lately, it seems my book obsession has paid off a lot lately. I have been collecting books of interest for years, but during the years of my past relationship I hardly ever made time for reading, yet still I was compelled to buy these books. Well now I have been going through my bookshelf and reading some of them. I am not into anything fiction, mostly information that I feel I can use and gain something from. One such book I am reading right now called, "Do what you love, the money will follow" is giving me some new perspectives on some things, old ideas if you will.

I have a procrastination problem, it is nothing new to me, I already knew that. BUT there are things I do not procrastinate on, things that time seems to slip away on, still even getting to those can seem a challenge sometimes. Not because I do not have time, but because I just don't prioritize and make that a priority. The book talks about the big R... resistance, and how procrastination is resistance. I get this, what I think is that sometimes I find myself talking on the phone when I could be working in my studio. Or cleaning, eating or something... anything other than what I am supposed to be doing. This does sometimes work to my advantage because the thing I use to procrastinate might be practicing my music, writing a song, or something that creates something I needed/wanted to create. However it is still the big R! I was programmed at a young age to think I was a failure, by making myself fail in small ways, I prove that this is correct... my resistance keeps me from being the best I can be each day... however when I have no resistance or consciously ignore it, I have success.

People look at me and say I wish I could stay home and just make stuff, that would be so great!!! What they mean by that is that they think it would be "easy"... I know I used to, but it is not.. I have that R word... even for stuff I love, when you "have to" do it, it becomes something you avoid. However I am mindful of it sometimes, and will be more so, now that I am on the "lookout" for it... and that is progress.

There are no successful people by accident, and I would consider myself successful to a degree anyway. This was not just because... I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am now... skipping parties to make jewelry, spending money on tools and supplies instead of other things I want. Working weekends when my kid is at his dad's house instead of going out and hanging somewhere meeting people. This is me not giving in to my resistance by choice, those who are not willing to give anything up, will not be as successful.

I have realized that my "R" is also what kept me in this past relationship for so long... resistance to accept that the truth is what it is, not always what you wish it was... he was not good for me, the fact that we had a kid was no matter... that was aside from the fact of what was happening. I resisted to leave, thinking that I was staying for my child's best interest, or for stability... both of those were just things I thought I saw, they were not real. In the end the kid told me he wanted me to leave his dad, and the "security" was an illusion... I am not any less stable without him, than I was with him. If anything I am more stable, any financial instability is ONLY because my business is still in it's growing phase, so I am making less than I will in the future. All the drama, the energy wasted on a sour relationship, was energy and time I could have been spending with my kid, and on myself and my growth as I am now. My resistance was to "give up" anything really. I can say that towards the end I started to give up items around the house that I was no longer using, or no longer needed, and in retrospect maybe I was subconsciously teaching myself that it was okay to give things up.

Now I am much happier, with more energy, and can live more authentically. Good things are coming into my life, and this time I am realizing that I deserve these things. The only reason these things have room to come into my life now, is because I gave up so much (or what felt like a lot) to gain so much more.