well then...

So this last few months have been all over the place emotionally, financially, and mentally. I can say with great surety, that my childhood had no semblance of normalcy... this is not new to me in any form, but without divulging too much here (you'll have to wait for my biography for that), I will say that new memories are surfacing as to events and how they actually happened in my life. This is bringing up some old issues for sure. Although I am in a better place to handle the barrage of emotions that I was few months back. The absence of constant anger, fighting, and being called horrific things has had a good effect on me overall... a few months ago this might have sent me into a tailspin that I would just shut down from, and stop functioning for a while. As it stands, these new memories and information made me sad for a day or two, but no falling apart here. I am thankful that this info is coming now and not before I had this amount of emotional strength.

On other news I am itching to start a new band... so I think that is coming sooner rather than later... I will be posting stuff on the bulletin board at the music store soon as well as wherever else. Not sure yet what kind of group I want to get together... I kinda want a blues trio, which means only needing a drummer and bass player... but that also means I will be doing all the lead guitar work, which I could do, but I'd want to practice a bit on that, and get comfortable with my band mates, because this would be the first time for me not having a "lead guitarist". I think I am ready for the challenge and really how many woman fronted blues trios that can rock have you seen??? Not many I am sure if ANY at all! I think it could be a very hot commodity so long as we are as good as I want us to be :) I am a bit of a perfectionist with my music (okay with anything creative) so I know if the music is up to my standards, the people will think we are great, cause we will be.

So I think overall, I am gaining myself back.. it is a long road back to myself, but I can see that I am on my way, looking back it's like a mile or two into my run, I am not done yet, but if I turn around I know I have covered some decent distance.

So yeah...

Well I guess it's pretty obvious by now that I am not a regular blogger... not that I don't want to, just it only occurs to me sometimes. Anyway, the last few weeks have been kinda hard from a few things going on. First of all, the anniversary of my daughters death (stillborn baby girl)... that was on Thursday of last week, and I could not get why all that week before I felt very stuck, and unmotivated to do much of anything but run. On Friday, I felt good, like I had become unstuck again, so I thought okay now we get the work done that got put off before, and get back on track. It's not as if I just put the work off, just all week every time I sat down to work all I wanted to do was cry, and I just could not sit for long at my bench, I could do a little here and there, but nothing like hours at a time, like normal.

Now as if that was not enough, on Sat I was supposed to be able to take DS to his dads for the day and night till Sunday morning. I was gonna do that show on Sat, but when I got there I found something that made me believe it was not a safe environment for my son(prescription drugs that were not his, but he was taking them), so I kept DS home with me, and skipped doing the show. Of course nasty calls from his father came all morning, then we finally actually talked, or more of him talking. He was drinking so I have no clue what to believe, how much was a lie, and how much was true, but one thing rang a bell in my head... sociopath. He claims he has been diagnosed, not sure about that(he does lie constantly, so knowing what to believe is hard), but that got me thinking... even more than my normal constant thought stream. So I looked it up, and after living with him for 7 years, I'd have to say yes... he is, and I was his number one victim for all that time. I never understood WHY I could not help him, that even on the rare occasions he would stop drinking for a period, he would still treat me in ways that no normal person could in good conscious. So I find out that it;s because basically he has no conscious like others... nothing saying, "don't do that, cause that hurts people." And on top of that even if he sees that he hurt you, he feels nothing about it. Oh he might apologize, but then in the same breath he will inform you why his behavior is YOUR fault. Like, "I am really sorry about the names I called you last night while I was drinking, it was not nice, and I am sorry... but if you hadn't pushed me, I would have been fine... I was happy drinking with my friends, we all get along just fine, you just need to learn to leave me alone when I am drunk. " Where as my version is more like, "You came home way after the bar closed with no real explanation to where you have been the last two hours after the bar closed, and you were making all sorts of noise(he always wanted the house to sound like a party at this point, with loud music and such). I was TRYING to get you to go to bed, and be quiet, so that me and your son can sleep..." Sometimes it was that mild, other times it would end with me either having to the the cops to come get me and my son out of the house, cause he was in a drunken rage and would not let me have the car keys, or if I had the keys it being me grabbing my son and driving out of there as fast as I can and going somewhere and parking to TRY and get some rest with my son.

So this brings me to why did I end up with him??? Well going back to childhood, my stepfather and probably mother as well were both sociopaths... my step father especially, he is the worst of the worst kind, probably just a tiny step from serial killer, if even that far really. So one might think that growing up with these kind of people I should know the signs and run far and fast... well you might think so, but unfortunately in the case of my ex, he played a great face, like he was everything I wanted, till I was head over heels in love with him, and then the switch turned slowly at first, but then the sickness progressed, until I forgot what it was like to NOT be called names everyday, to be myself, that I had put away for his comfort, and forgotten over time. He always said his problems were because of me, if I had just showed him more love, affection, acceptance of his drinking, cleaner house, made more money, lost weight... oh geez the more I think about it, the more I realize, nothing I could have done would ever have been enough to do ANY help. I thought, because he told me, that he didn't want to turn into his parents, that he wanted to be a better man, but he is like them, he is not better nor does he think he even needs to change. In his mind loosing me and his son are the best thing that ever happened to him. And he is convinced that he left me, because he was not happy, not that I asked him to leave, because of the way he treated me.

So yeah..... I guess this at least helps me in the letting go process... you would think it would be easy to let go of a man like this, but with having to interact with him due to our having a kid together, makes it hard. Not letting go of him, but letting go of the idea that MAYBE one day he will wake up and realize what he lost and try and fix himself, but now I can give up hope for that. things he told me in our conversation made me realize, he is sick, he knows that, but he really doesn't care to change... he almost seemed proud of himself because he is different from most people, and I suppose the label he has put on himself now, he thinks makes him cool. I think it makes him not someone I can trust at all... probably ever.