Giving up, to gain

I have been reading more lately, it seems my book obsession has paid off a lot lately. I have been collecting books of interest for years, but during the years of my past relationship I hardly ever made time for reading, yet still I was compelled to buy these books. Well now I have been going through my bookshelf and reading some of them. I am not into anything fiction, mostly information that I feel I can use and gain something from. One such book I am reading right now called, "Do what you love, the money will follow" is giving me some new perspectives on some things, old ideas if you will.

I have a procrastination problem, it is nothing new to me, I already knew that. BUT there are things I do not procrastinate on, things that time seems to slip away on, still even getting to those can seem a challenge sometimes. Not because I do not have time, but because I just don't prioritize and make that a priority. The book talks about the big R... resistance, and how procrastination is resistance. I get this, what I think is that sometimes I find myself talking on the phone when I could be working in my studio. Or cleaning, eating or something... anything other than what I am supposed to be doing. This does sometimes work to my advantage because the thing I use to procrastinate might be practicing my music, writing a song, or something that creates something I needed/wanted to create. However it is still the big R! I was programmed at a young age to think I was a failure, by making myself fail in small ways, I prove that this is correct... my resistance keeps me from being the best I can be each day... however when I have no resistance or consciously ignore it, I have success.

People look at me and say I wish I could stay home and just make stuff, that would be so great!!! What they mean by that is that they think it would be "easy"... I know I used to, but it is not.. I have that R word... even for stuff I love, when you "have to" do it, it becomes something you avoid. However I am mindful of it sometimes, and will be more so, now that I am on the "lookout" for it... and that is progress.

There are no successful people by accident, and I would consider myself successful to a degree anyway. This was not just because... I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am now... skipping parties to make jewelry, spending money on tools and supplies instead of other things I want. Working weekends when my kid is at his dad's house instead of going out and hanging somewhere meeting people. This is me not giving in to my resistance by choice, those who are not willing to give anything up, will not be as successful.

I have realized that my "R" is also what kept me in this past relationship for so long... resistance to accept that the truth is what it is, not always what you wish it was... he was not good for me, the fact that we had a kid was no matter... that was aside from the fact of what was happening. I resisted to leave, thinking that I was staying for my child's best interest, or for stability... both of those were just things I thought I saw, they were not real. In the end the kid told me he wanted me to leave his dad, and the "security" was an illusion... I am not any less stable without him, than I was with him. If anything I am more stable, any financial instability is ONLY because my business is still in it's growing phase, so I am making less than I will in the future. All the drama, the energy wasted on a sour relationship, was energy and time I could have been spending with my kid, and on myself and my growth as I am now. My resistance was to "give up" anything really. I can say that towards the end I started to give up items around the house that I was no longer using, or no longer needed, and in retrospect maybe I was subconsciously teaching myself that it was okay to give things up.

Now I am much happier, with more energy, and can live more authentically. Good things are coming into my life, and this time I am realizing that I deserve these things. The only reason these things have room to come into my life now, is because I gave up so much (or what felt like a lot) to gain so much more.

Um WOW!

So yeah I am not a regular of a blogger as I'd like to be... but anyway. I had an audition last night for drums... it went great, so I think I found my band for that...plus the guy wants me to do some singing, guitar and maybe even some bass if needed! That makes me happy, cause I need to get my hands on a bass for the project I REALLY wanna do, and feel I am about ready to do very soon... "Playing With Myself". This guy I met (the band leader I assume) was really cool, plays and sings well, has a good song list, and we seem to hit it off right away. I was so nervous going there, because I had never met him before, but once I saw him I relaxed immediately, which is not normal for me, but is a good sign. SO anyway, I got drum parts to practice, a new line I am working on for jewelry, and supply orders to make... I am a busy, but happy girl! I think I slept about 6 hrs last night, and I feel great!!!! I have been sleeping a lot lately, which is the first sign for me that I am getting depressed... I think music is the thing I am missing in my life that makes me get down. That and running... hard to run in the summer, cause my kid can not run with me yet, and he has a broken arm, so no bike riding even for him right now... but soon he goes back to school and I will resume running again... not for races necesarily, but for me for sure!

Yeah, It's been a while!!!!

Well today I dropped my son off at his Dad's house for the 'weekend'... really just 'till tomorow night. I tried to get him to take our son last night, but he would not. Go figure! I got there and his new girlfriends car was there, but of course he met me outside, because he is scared for us to see each other for whatever reason. Maybe he told her I was a 300 lbs monster or something to get sympathy. LOL It bothered me for a nano second, but then I remembered all the crap I had to give up to be with him... everything that mattered to me other than my son. Totally not worth me time to think about... I got better things to spend my energy on. Like learning new songs, writing more music, getting into more shops with my jewelry, and taking care of my son.

On other news, I think I have two groups forming... one I know I have in the bagm just gotta get us all together to practice. I found a great bass player (Iplayed with him a couple of weeks ago) and he says he has the perfect drummer for me, and they already play together, so they should play well together. So we are forming a trio... finally, I get to have my dream band! I have been wanting a blues/rock trio for the loingest time, and now I think I am finally ready to do my own leads!!!!!! I can honestly say I have come a LONG way as far as that goes. SO now the missing piece of the pie, has been added... I was good at rythm guitar and vocals and songwriting before, but add to that doing lead pretty well... I think I am a more of a packaged deal now. I am excited to finally get out there and get it done! The last few years all I have been doing is fiddeling with leads and getting a handle on them, and I think I am ready to show the world what I have been working on.

So I gotta get to my bench and finish a few orders to go out this AM, and then I am off to St Armands Circle to see what I can get... I am going dressed, with my briefcase full of jewelry, and see what happens. Hopefully I have some new shops to sell to or in by the end of the day. This is a NEW DAY!!!!!!!